ALICE'S RESTAURANT

Spoken: This song is called "Alice's Restaurant." It's about Alice and the
resteraunt, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant; that's
just the name of the song, and that's why I call the song "Alice's Resteraunt."

You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt. You can get anything you
want at Alice's Resteraunt. Walk right in, it's around the back, just a half a
mile from the railroad track; You can get anything you want at Alice's
Resteraunt.

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago--two years ago, on Thanksgiving, when
my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant.

But Alice doesn't live IN the resteraunt, she lives in the church nearby the
resteraunt, in the bell tower with her husband Ray and Fancha, the dog.

And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of room downstairs
where the pews used to be, and havin' all that room (seein' as how they took out
all the pews), they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for
a long time.

We got up there and found all the garbage in there and we decided that it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.

So we took the half-a-ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW microbus,
took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, and headen on toward the
city dump.

Well, we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across the dump
sayin', "THIS DUMP IS CLOSED ON THANKSGIVING," and we'd never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes, we drove off into the
sunset lookin' for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one till we came to a side road, and off the side of the road
was another fifteen-foot cliff, and at the botton of the cliff was another pile
of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than two little piles,
and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down. That's what
we did.

Drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
went to sleep, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone
call from Officer Obie. He said, "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the
bottom of a half ton of garbage and I just wanted to know if you had any
information about it."

And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope
under that garbage." After speakin' to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the
telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that we had
to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at
the Police Officer Station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the shovels
and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the Police Officer
Station.

Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could've done at the
Police Officer Station, and the first was that he could've give us a medal for
bein' so brave and honest on the telephone (which wan't very likely, and we
didn't expect it), and the other thing was that he could've bawled us out and
never to be seen' drivin' garbage around in the vicinity again, which is what we
expected.

But when we got to the Police Officer Station, there was a THIRD possibility
that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both immediately arrested,
handcuffed, and I said, "Obie, I can't pick up the garbage with these here
handcuffes on."

He said: "Shut up, Kid, and get in the back of the patrol car." And that's
what we did--sat in the back of the patrol card, and drove to the quote SCENE OF
THE CRIME unquote.

I wanna tell you 'bout the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this is
happenin'. They got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car,
but when we got to the scene of the crime, there was FIVE police officers and
THREE police cars, bein' the biggest crime of the last fifty years and everybody
wanted to get in the newspaper story about it.

And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin' around
the Police Officer Station. They was takin' plaster tire tracks, footprints,
dog-smellin' prints, and they took twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy
photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one
explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures
of the approachm the getaway, the northwest corner, the southwest corner--and
that's not to mention the aerial photography!

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was gonna put us in
a cell. He said, "Kid--I'm gonna put you in a cell. I want your wallet and
your belt."

I said, "Obie, I can understand your wantin' my wallet, so I don't have any
money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?" And he said,
"Kid, we don't want any hangin's."

I said. "Obie, did you think I was gonna hang myself for litterin'?" Obie
said he was makin' sure, and, friends, Obie was, 'cause he took out the toilet
seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown.

and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll the toilet
paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was makin'
sure.

It was about four of five hours later that Alice--(remember Alice? There's a
song about Alice) Alice came by and, with a few nasty words to Obie on the side,
bailed us out of jail, and we went back to the church, had another Thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat.

and didn't get up until the next mornin' when we all had to go to court. We
walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one,
sat down.



Man came in, said "All rise!" We all stood up, and Obie stood up with the
twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy pictures, and the judge walked in, sat down,
with a seein' eye dog and HE sat down. We sat down.

Obie looked at the seein' eye dog--then at the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored
glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one and began to cry.

Because Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothin' he could do about it, and the judge
wasn't gonna look at the twenty-even 8 x 10 coloered glossy pictures with the
circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was, to be used as evidence against us.

And we was fined fifty dollars and had to pick up the garbage--in the snow.
But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I'm here to talk about the
draft.

They got a buildin' down in New York City called Whitehall Street, where you
walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and
selected!

I went down and got my physical examination one day, and I walked in, sat down
(got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when I went
in mornin', 'cause I wanted to look like the All-American-Kid from New York
City.

I wanted to BE the All-American Kid from New York) and I walked in, sat down,
I was hung down, brung down, hung up and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things.

And I walked in, I sat down, they gave me a piece of paper that said: Kid,
see the psychiatrist, Room 604.

I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I wanna kill. I wanna kill! I wanna see
blook and gore and guts and veins in my tereth! Eat dead, burnt bodies! I
mean: Kill, Kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin', "KILL! KILL!" and he started
jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down yellin', "KILL,
KILL!"

and the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said,
"You're our boy!" Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections, detections,
neglections, and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing
there, and I was there for two hours--three hours--four hours--

I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly
things, and I was just havin' a tough time there, and they was inspectin',
injectin' every single part of me, and they was leavin' no part untouched!

Proceeded through, and I finally came to see the very last man. I walked in,
sat down, after a whole big thing there. I walked up, and I said, "What do you
want?" He said, "Kid, we only got one question: Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of Alice's Resteraunt Massacre with full
orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff like that, and other phenomenon.

He stopped me right there and said, "Kid, have you ever been to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored
glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
on--

He stopped me right there and said, "Kid I want you to go over and sit down on
that bench that says 'group W.' Now, Kid!"

And I walked over to the bench there, and there's--Group W is where they put
you if you may not be MORAL enough to join the army after committin' your
special crime.

There was all kinds of mean, nasty and ugly-lookin' people on the bench there
--there was mother rapers--father-stabbers, father-rapers! FATHER-RAPERS
sittin' right there on the bench next to me!

And they was mean and nast and ugly and horrible and crime fightin' guys were
sittin' there on the bench, and the meaniest, ugliest, nastiest one--the meanest
father-raper of them all--was comin' over to me,

And he was mean and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things, and he sat
down next to me. He said, "Kid, what'd you get?"

I said, "I didn't get nothin'. I had to pay fifty dollars and pick up the
garbage." He said, "What were you arrested FOR, Kid?" and I said, "Litterin'."

And they all moved away from me on the bench there, with the hairy eyeball and
all kinds of mean, nasty things, till I said, "And creatin' a nuisance."

And they all came back, shook my hand and we had a reat time on the bench
talkin' about crime, mother-stabbin', father-rapin', --all kinds of groovy
things that we was talkin' about on the bench, and everything was fine.

We was smokin' cigarettes and all kinds of things, until the sergeant came
over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and said:

"KIDTHISPIECEOFPAPERSGOTFORTYSEVENWORDSTHIRTYSEVENSENTENCESFIFTYEIGHTWORDSWE
WANTTOKNOWTHEDETAILSOFTHECRIMETHETIMEOFTHECRIMEANDANYOTHERKINDOFTHINGYOUGOTO
SAYPERTAININGTOANDABOUTTHECRIMEWEWANTTOKNOWTHEARRESTINGOFFICERSNAMEANDANY
OTHERTHINGYOUGOTTOSAY--"

And he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said
. But we had fun fillin' out the forms and playin' with the pencils on the
bench there. I filled out the Massacree with the four-part harmony.

Wrote it down there just like it was and everything was fine. And I put down
my pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there--on the other side
--in the middle of the other side-- away from everything else on the other
side--in parenthese-capital letters-- quoted-read the following words: :Kid,
have you rehabilitated yourself?"

I went over to the sergeant. I said, "Sergeant, you got a lot of God-dammed
gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself! I mean--I mean-- that you send--
I'm sittin' here on the bench--

I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench, 'cause you want to know if I'm
moral enought to join ther army, burn women, kids, houses and villiages after
bein' a litterbug."

He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind! We're gonna send
your fingerprints off to Washington." And, friends, somewhere in Washington,
enshrined in some folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints.

And the only reason I'm singin' you the song now is 'cause you may know
somebody in a similiar situation. Or YOU may be in a similiar situation, and if
you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can do:

Walk into the shrink whenever you are, just walk in, say, "Shrink--

You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt."

--and walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it, they may
think he's really sick and they won't take him.

And if two people do it--in harmony--they may thing they're both FAGGOTS and
they won't take either of them. And if THREE people do it! Can you imagine
three people walkin' in, singin' a bar of "Alice's Resteraunt" and walkin' out?
They might think it's an ORGANIZATION!

And can you imagine FIFTY people a day? I said FIFTY people a day--walkin' in
singin' a bar of "Alice's Restaurant" and walkin'out? Friends, they may think
it's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is:

THE ALICE'S RESTERAUNT ANTI-MASSACREE MOVEMENT!--

and all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on
the guitar. With feelin':

You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt, exceptin' Alice, You can
get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt; Walk right in, it's around the
back, just a half a mile from the railroad track; You can get anything you want
at Alice's Resteraunt.

If you are interested in more regarding Hip Hop online, check out Broot Force Music. They have a lot of stuff on their website, including Hot New Hip Hop Music. They also have services, like mixing services, so click for Pricing.

Alien Mind Passwords

1. Something I sent you. Telegram

2. Color of ancient Earth's seas. Aqua

3. A bed for a lazy afternoon. Hammock

4. Something a sun gives off. Radiation

5. What do you need info on? Elevator

6. Name of Aaron's Wife. Judy

7. Ancient Seductress. Siren

8. Greeting. Biologist HO!

9. A scale (musical). CDEFGAB

10. Goes thru water without getting wet. Light

11. Who to call. Bio-Lab

12. A musical Hat. Sombrero

13. A liquid that holds water. Glass

14. Roman numeral for 1,174. MCLXXIV

15. An Audio tool. Ear

16. A visual enhancer. Telescope

17. Legendary Continent. Alantis

18. Project we last worked on together. Transit

19. Life giving fountain. Oasis

20. Ancient art of visual communication. Hieroglyphics

21. A Painters desk. Easel

22. Ancient form of aquatic transport. Ark

23. Most Efficient Community known to man. Anthill

24. A water house. Igloo

25. Something that's black but isn't. Black Hole

Alien Mind Easter Eggs
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How To Generate A Buzz As A Rap Artist These Days

What was the process decades ago to get famous as a Hip Hop artist? Well, you had to send in your demo to record labels and hope for a contract. Meanwhile, you had to perform locally to generate a buzz as well. You could have went to the local radio station and hoped to get played if the DJ liked you. However, today is a new age in the music industry. Nowadays you can create an even bigger buzz using tactics that are ten times easier. If you continue reading on in this article, you will find out the best ways to do so!

The number one thing you must do as a Hip Hop artist today is generate a buzz online. Millions of people are listening to new music on the internet everyday, so get your music on their new list. There are thousands of internet radio stations hoping you send in your music for them to play. There are hundreds of sites that you can submit your music to for people to listen to. To get famous, you have to have your name out there in every possible outlet. The internet happens to be the biggest outlet that you can put your music on and gain thousands of new fans, with the right amount of talent and music, of course.

Don't only focus online though. Building a local buzz is just as important. Once you build your local buzz by performing at concerts and opening for bigger acts (which may lead to more buzz!), you have to take it to the next level. So, how do you generate a buzz online? There are maybe a hundred musicians locally and there are millions online, so you have to be able to stand out, even more than you do locally. Lucky for you, this article will show you a great way to market your music online. If you aren't using social media sites yet to market your music, you are definitely doing something wrong!

The best sites to utilize for your music are Youtube, Facebook, and Twitter. You need to post your music and videos on Youtube all the time, and make sure you are staying active with the community as well. Comment on other people's music and collaborate with anyone who you think could help bring you some new fans. Posting videos with links to free music downloads is a great idea every once in a while as well. Every new video you put on Youtube should be posting to Facebook and Twitter, so your followers and fans can get it right away. Gain more fans and followers on Facebook and Twitter by staying active on those sites and by posting in Hip Hop forums. You can find hundreds of Hip Hop forums to join and post to by just searching Google quickly.

Some of the newest faces in Hip Hop, like Hopsin, have generated almost all of their fans through the internet. If you want to be the next act to do so, you need to have good music and a willingness to market yourself. If you find that you can't market yourself online, there are thousands of marketing agencies out there waiting to help you. I'm sure there are plenty out there that will even give you discounts if they like your music. Good luck with the music career!

If you are interested in more about Hip Hop online, check out Broot Force Music. They have a lot of stuff on their website, including New Hip Hop Music Releases. They also have original instrumentals for sale at: http://brootforcemusic.com/instrumentals/.

5 Fitness Mistakes To Avoid

Many people approach fitness the same way, they jump in as hard as possible, diet hard, train hard, and get burnt out within a few weeks. Jumping in too fast can lead to exhaustion and boredom with health and fitness, leading to many people calling it quits. This can even happen to someone with years of fitness experience who tries to start a new diet and training program. The best thing you can do to make sure this doesn't happen to you is continue reading this article to find out 5 mistakes thousands of people make!

1 - No Planning

You have to plan ahead if you want to succeed with a healthier lifestyle through diet and fitness. Your diet, your training regime, your individual workout sessions, and your goals, both long term and short term, need to be planned before venturing into a new world. Chances are, if you forget to plan any of these things, your results will suffer and you may end up quitting, simply because you don't know what you need to be following. Randomness is not always good, especially in the world of fitness!

2 - Excuses

Excuses are too common in our world today, and they are even more common in the fitness world. Maybe you have a cough so you don't feel like working out. Your friends may want to party later tonight so you can't workout today. You can't afford to eat healthy. Excuses are completely worthless so why even waste your time making them up. Stop making excuses if you want to be healthier and be physically fit. Nobody has made it to their goals by making excuses.

3 - How Often To Workout

Do you think working out for 30 minutes a week is good? Well, some people do. Do you think that you should workout everyday for 2-3 hours? Surprisingly, many people think so. Working out too little or too much won't get you anywhere. You have to find the happy medium to see how much you need to workout. If you workout too little, you will never meet your goals. If you workout too much, you risk injury and overtraining. Sticking to something like hitting the gym 3 or 4 times a week for about an hour each time is something good to go by. In fact, thousands of people already follow workout routines that follow that schedule!

4 - Magic Answers

There are no magic pills, magic diets, or magic workout programs. There is nothing magic about success with health and fitness. It just takes hard work and dedication. It may sound harsh but it can't be any closer to the truth. Stop believing TV commercials and awesome advertisements.

5 - Comparisons

Comparing yourself to a fitness professional or somebody that has much more experience that you is setting yourself up for a downfall. If you want to succeed, you can't go around comparing your body to the next person. Your genetics are different than everybody, so you can't make comparisons that aren't fair. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else, why not compare yourself now to yourself a year ago. If that doesn't give you great motivation, then you are not working out right!

Now you have read the 5 easiest mistakes to avoid in the world of fitness. If you just avoid these mistakes alone, you are on your way to succeeding with your goals, as long as they are within reach. Even the professionals make mistakes from time to time, so go ahead and save this article for future reference!

If you are looking for more information on health and fitness, you should check out Milo Martinovich Fitness. It features an informational Diet And Fitness Blog. If you are interested in personal training services in Reno, NV, Milo Martinovich is a highly qualified Reno Personal Trainer.

Adventureland scott adams 1

Go east/Go north/Get axe/Go down/Get ox/Bunyon/Swim/Go west/Go west Get axe/Get ox/Get fruit/Go east/Climb tree/Get keys/go down/Cut tree Climb tree/Drop ox/Drop fruit/Get lamp/Go down/Drop axe/Go down Open door/Drop keys/Light lamp/Go hallway/Go down/Go down/Go north Hookahs Get flint/Go west/Go west/Go south/Get rug/Go down/Get net/Away/Away Lamp off/Go south/Climb tree/get bottle/Drop flint/Go up/Go north Go north/Catch fish/Go west/Climb tree/Drop fish/Drop net/Drop bottle Get flint/Go down/Go down/Go hallway/Light lamp/Go down/Go south Get bladder/Go north/Go up/Go up/Go up/Lamp off/Get rubies/Go up Drop rubies/Go up/Get gas/Climb tree/Go down/Go down/Go hallway Light lamp/Go down/Go south/Go up/Drop bladder/Light gas/Drop flint Go hole/Jump/Yell/Go throne/Get crown/Go west/Get mirror/Jump/Go west Get bricks/Go down/Go north/Go down/Go north/Go west/Go west/Go south Go down/Drop bricks/Get firestone/Away/Away/Lamp off/Go south Climb tree/Drop firestone/Drop rug/Drop crown/Drop mirror/Get bottle Rub lamp/Rub lamp/Go up/Get mud/Climb tree/Go down/Go down/Go hallway Bongs Light lamp/Go down/Drink water/Go north/Get honey/Get bees/Go south Go up/Go up/Go up/Go up/Go up/Drop mud/Go north/Drop bees/Get eggs Go south/Climb tree/Drop honey/Drop eggs/Score

Adventureland

1. Let sleeping dragons lie, until much later. (Never go near him with any mud.) 2. In quicksand take only the ax. Get ox. Say Bunyon. Swim south. Go to Paul's place. En route, get flint and steel. 3. Glass Pipes Climb tree. Get key. Read web. Chop tree. May need mud for chigger bites. Go stump. Start dumping treasures. Rub lamp (Twice only) for two more. With the rubies directly below, there should now be five. Take bottle. 4. Unlock door. Drop keys. Go hallway. Light lamp with flint and steel. If lamp dies, fill with oily slime. 5. In maze, get rug and net. With rug, get out by say away (twice) to transport back to the meadow. 6. At lake with filled bottle and net, catch fish. (Fish die without bottle.) 7. Get wine bladder. Fill bladder (with swamp gas). In royal chamber, drop bladder. Burn bladder. 8. Scream (at bear). Jump ledge. Get crown, mirror and bricks. Don't throw ax at bear or waste honey on him. Drop mirror on rug only (get clues). 9. Dam lava with bricks. Pour water. Get firestone. 10. In beehive, with rug, mud, and empty bottle, catch bees. Take honey. Drop mud. Glass Bubblers Go meadow. Release bees. Get dragon eggs. (Can make it 50% of the time before Bees die, but using rug and say away is easier.) After dropping all thirteen treasures, say score. The treasure summary: Blue Ox Golden Fish Golden Net Jeweled Fruit Diamond Ring Bracelet Rubies Rug Magic Mirror Golden Crown Royal Honey Firestone Dragon Eggs

Z o r K

Z O R K I (Infocom) So, you're all set for The Great Underground Empire, eh? Okay, but before we begin, a few words about this walkthrough. First, this is not the only way to solve the game. It's just one of the faster ones. Second, because there is no "wasted motion" in this game, you will not be visiting all the locations. So, you might want to play around with the game on your own for a while, mapping out as much as you can, without much regard for gathering treasures. Actually, mapping is a good idea, since, if you make a misstep somewhere, you might find yourself in trouble! Be especially careful to follow the directions when in the mazes; a wrong move there, and you could be lost for quite some time! Finally, you may not go through this in exactly the way it's written because of the thief. He is a variable item in the game; you never know where he will show up. Try to move out of the room he's in as soon as he shows up. But keep in mind that even if he does steal anything from you, you will get it all back from him in the end. Okay? Let's start the adventure! You begin West of the house, and your first chore is to get inside. So, go South and East. Open the window and enter the house (you're in the kitchen), then go West into the living room. Get the lamp, then move the rug, revealing the trap door. Open the trap door, turn on the lamp, and go down. At this point, some mysterious person will shut the door on you; don't worry about that for now. Okay, so here you are in the cellar. It's time to pick up your first treasure, so go South, then East to the Gallery. Get the painting, then continue North to the Studio. Go up the chimney (you can only fit with the lamp and the painting), and you will be in the kitchen again. Now, go upstairs to the attic, and get the knife and rope. Come back down and go into the living room. Open the case and put the painting inside. Then, drop the knife and get the sword. Open the trap door again, and return to the cellar. Again, the door is shut by someone (you never will find out who's doing this, but it doesn't matter). Now you're back in the cellar, and since we're coming to one of the more dangerous parts of the game, you might want to do a save here. Gripping your trusty sword, head North into the Troll room. There's a nasty troll here with a bloody axe, and the only way past is to kill him. So, do just that: "Kill Troll With Sword." It will most likely take more than one attempt, so keep at it, and eventually he will disappear in a cloud of black smoke. Now, drop the sword, because you really don't need it any more, and it will hinder you in carrying other, more important items. Having despatched the troll, you move along East, East (into the Round room), then SE and East. You are now in the Dome room. It's a long way down, and too far to jump, so here's where the rope comes in handy. Tie the rope to the railing, then climb down the rope. You will be in the Torch room. Leave the torch for now; you'll be coming back this way again later. From the Torch room, go South, then East and get the coffin. Return West, then continue South to the Altar. There's no way you're going to get down that hole with the coffin, and even the program will tell you that you haven't got a prayer. That's a hint, folks: Just "Pray," and you will find yourself in the forest again. Since it's daylight out, save energy and turn off the lamp. Now, head along South, then North (I know, but it works!) to the clearing, then East to the Canyon View. Climb all the way down to the bottom, then go North to Rainbow's End. Bongs Drop the coffin and open it. Inside is a jewelled sceptre. Get that, and wave it. The rainbow will become solid (you'll need to cross over from the other side later). Now, "Look." You should see a pot of gold. Get that, and the coffin. After that, go SW, then all the way back up to Canyon View. From there, it's NW to the clearing, and then West to the window. Once in the kitchen, open the bag and get the garlic (nothing else, just the garlic). Go on into the living room, and put your treasures in the case. Now, sit down and take a breather, because you're about to do a lot of travelling! Once again, open the trap door, turn on the lamp, and go down. Watch carefully, and you will notice that this time, the door doesn't close! Whoever was doing it before must have gotten bored. Anyway, you're on your way to the dam, so move along North, East, North, NE, and East. You are now on top of the dam. From there, go North to the Lobby. Pick up the matches, then go either North or East (doesn't matter) into the Maintenance room. Get the wrench and the screwdriver, then push the yellow button. Now, return to the dam, and you will see that the green bubble is lit. Turn the bolt with the wrench, then drop the wrench. You have opened the dam, and you will be coming back this way again to reap the fruits of your labours. However, right now, you're on your way to Hades, so let's get going! Go South, then down into the Loud room. Leave the platinum bar for now; you'll get it later. Head West into the Round room, then SE and East (hmmmm, haven't you been here before?). Again, climb down the rope. This time, get the torch. At this point, you can turn off your lamp; the torch will provide light so long as you have it. Now, continue straight South, getting the bell, then the book and candles from the altar. Go down the hole to the cave, then down again to the entrance to Hades. Your candles will have blown out by this time, but don't worry about it. Okay, here's where you have to be careful. First, ring the bell. It will become red hot and you will drop it. You will also drop the candles. Stay calm, and do the following, all in one command: Get the candles, light match, light candles with match (necessary, because of the torch, and DON'T use the torch, or you'll vapourise the candles!). Okay, strange things happened when you lit the candles, now read the book. Whew! The demons have been exorcised! Drop the book, then go South and get the crystal skull. Now, back North, then up to the cave, then North to the Mirror room. By the way, better put out the candles. Rub the mirror, and you will now be in another Mirror room (this one is North of the dam, as the other one is South). Now, go North, then West, then North, then West into the Squeaky room (well, I told you you'd be doing a lot of travelling this time!). Make sure you have the garlic with you, then go North into the Bat room. So long as you have the garlic, he won't bother you. There is a jade figurine here, but leave it for now. You'll pick it up on your way out. Go East to the Shaft room. Put the torch into the basket, then turn on your lamp and head North to the Smelly room, then down to the Gas Room (best not to carry any open flames here!). Now, you are about to enter a small maze, so follow these directions CAREFULLY! East, Northeast, Southeast, Southwest, down, and you should be at the top of the ladder (if you aren't, may God have mercy on your soul!). From there, go down to the Ladder Bottom, and then South to the Dead End for the coal. Get that, then return to the ladder top. From there, go up, North, East, South, North, and you will be back in the Gas room. Go up, then South to the Shaft room again. Put the coal in the basket, and lower the basket. Now, guess what? You have to go back through the coal mine again! So, make your way to the Ladder Bottom, but this time, go West to the Timber room. Ignore the broken timber (not useful for anything), and drop all but the screwdriver. Now, you can squeeze through the crack to the West. And here you are in the Drafty Room, which is also at the bottom of the shaft. There's the basket, so get the coal and the torch, and move South into the Machine room. Open the lid, put the coal in the machine, close the lid, and turn the switch with the screwdriver. Drop the screwdriver, open the lid, and get the diamond (well, no one ever said Zork was an EASY game!). Now, go back North, and put the torch and the diamond in the basket. Squeeze back East into the Timber room. Get the skull, lamp, and garlic. You won't be needing the matches and the candles any more, so you can leave them. (They were insurance in case the thief came along and stole the torch before you could get the diamond). Now, head East again to the Ladder Bottom, and from there up and through the coal mine (you know the way now!), to the Gas room. Pick up the bracelet, then continue on up and South to the Shaft room. Get the torch and the diamond from the basket, turn off the lamp, then go West into the Bat room. Get the jade, then go South, East, South to the Slide room. Now, here's a fast way back to the cellar: Just go down the slide! Wheeeee! Then it's up to the living room (remember, the trap door is open now), and all the treasures go into the case. Huff! Puff! Bet you didn't know you'd be doing THIS much running around! But, don't get too relaxed, there's still plenty more to come!!). Turn on the lamp, and return to the cellar. From there, it's North (ah, deja vu!), then East, North, NE to Reservoir South. Now that the sluice gates are open, you can head North, picking up the trunk of jewels, North again to Reservoir North, getting the air pump, and North one more time, getting the crystal trident. After that, go all the way back South again to Reservoir South, then East to the dam, and then East once more to the Dam Base. Here you find a little pile of folded plastic; guess what it is? Right, it's an inflatable boat! So, inflate it with the pump, then drop the pump, then get inside the boat, say "Launch," and you're floating off along the Frigid River. Now, just keep waiting until you see the buoy. Get that, then "East" to the beach. Get out of the boat, then get the shovel and move on to the Sandy Cave to the NE. You might want to save the game at this point, since you have to dig here until the scarab turns up, and I'm sure you don't want to get buried alive (it's been known to happen!). Okay, drop the shovel and get the scarab, then go back SW. Drop the buoy and open it; inside is an emerald. Get that, then continue South to the Aragain Falls. Here you can cross the rainbow (so do that!), which brings you to the End of The Rainbow. Turn off the lamp, then go SW to the Canyon Bottom. From there, make your way back to the living room, and put all the treasures in the case. Your collection is quite impressive by now, but you aren't finished yet. Go East twice, then North twice. Climb up the tree and get the egg. Climb down again, and go South, East, and back to the living room. However, this time, you don't put the treasure in the case. Turn on the lamp, and go down (once again!) into the cellar, and North to the Troll room. Now, you are about to enter a maze, so follow the directions very carefully! West (this brings you into the maze), South, East, up, and you find several items here. Take only the coins and the key, and be careful not to touch the skeleton! From here, go SW, East, South, SE, and you will be in the Cyclops room. The Cyclops is not friendly, but you can deal with him effortlessly: Just type in "Ulysses" (or "Odysseus," if you prefer). Old One-Eye will tear out of there right through the wall! In fact, he will create a passage eastward from that room right into the living room! However, you don't want to go that way yet! Instead, go upstairs, and you will be in the Treasure Room, the thief's secret lair. Now, give him the egg, and go back downstairs, then East to the living room. Deposit the coins in the case, then get the knife (the thief needs a little time to open the egg). Okay, go back West to the Cyclops room. Again, at this point, saving is recommended; the thief will not be easy to kill! So, head upstairs and use the nasty knife to kill the thief. Once he's dead, all treasures in the room will be visible. This includes the egg, a silver chalice, and anything he may have stolen from you before. Get everything, then follow these directions: Down, NW, South, West, up, down, NE, and you will be in the Grating Room. Unlock and open the grate (watch out for falling leaves!), then go up. You will be in a clearing. From there, go South and climb the tree again. Wind up the canary that's inside the egg. A songbird will come by and drop a bauble for you. Climb down again and get the bauble, then return to the living room. Put all the treasures in the case, making sure you REMOVE THE CANARY from the egg and put it in the case separately! You're almost finished! Just one more trip to make! Now, for the last time, enter the cellar and go North. From the Troll Room, go East until you come again to the Loud Room. Type in: "Echo," and you will now be able to get the bar. So, grab it and return to the living room. Once you place it in the case, you will get a message. Follow the advice of that message, and you will get a map. Take that, and return to the place where this all started, the mailbox West of the house. You should have no trouble getting to the barrow from there. Of course, once you enter the barrow.... You didn't really think it would end there, did you? Not when there's still Zork II and Zork III waiting for you up ahead! Ah, but it's too late; you can't turn back now! You'll just have to grit your teeth and follow through to the end (with a little help, of course). See you in Zork II! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *